What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 12:34
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Is anyone up to have a little conversation?
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
If you get a chance to have sex with either Kajal Agarwal or Samantha, who would you choose and why?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do you suck dicks with no reciprocation?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I don,t even have a pension.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is soul school!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was scared of men, in general
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I said to her
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So, i spoilt her more .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other